Category: Religion

Merriem-Webstor adds a mirror to its definition of the word “hypocrite”

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“See for yourself, hypocrite!”, says Merriem-Webstor

Springfield Massachusetts

Iconic word authoritarians, Merriem-Webstor, caused quite a stir, recently, in its latest release of its flagship dictionary product. Including a full page mirror with the definition of the word “hypocrite” etched upon it,  for its readers to consider when looking up the word.   

Photo by: Tasha Kamrowski

“We found that Liberals and Conservatives were obsessed with calling each other hypocrites even though they were often looking the word up to see what it meant. So, we thought this might help them understand that their use of this word should include themselves, or remind them to consider the possibility that they could actually be hypocrites. We felt this is a good thing for them to have that as a reminder.” Said Jillian Slivantensen, in a brief phone interview.

Readers of the often referenced dictionary had varying opinions on the matter. Conservative columnist, rev. Johnson Petersen, said – “Jesus did call a lot of people hypocrites, so I think it’s helpful to see myself and pretend that I’m Jesus, calling myself a hypocrite, while looking at myself, pretending to be Jesus, but in my corporeal state.” We think this was him agreeing with the need for the definition, but we aren’t quite sure. He went on a bit longer, in circles, about states and pretending. 

UC Davis Feminine studies professor, Pat Patterpat, said “It’s a gross and egregious insult to have to look at myself while reading this definition. I know what a hypocrite is and even if I was one; I don’t need to be reminded and be forced to look at myself while I snort cocaine off of my own likeness. I burnt the whole book last week in our weekly book burning party. Now, only this etched mirror remains. And every time I do cocaine I’m forced to read the definition of the word hypocrite. I’m pretty sure that is racist.”

More to come on this developing story.

Catholics and Mormons Team up on Pornography Epidemic

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Church leaders urge women to dress more provocatively

Salt Lake City, Vatican City

Mega church leaders of the two oft opposing religions issues a joint statement today, imploring its collective female followers to dress more provocatively. The organizations are often known for their unattractive, frumpy clothing and societal constraints that would require modest dress. However, new strategies have arisen to combat the overwhelming number of men who have turned to pornography in their everyday lives.

Photo by Rafaella Mendes

After serious analysis the two mega churches knew something was amiss. They created a task force and analyzed what they had been doing. And It didn’t take long for them to discover that they were doing exactly the opposite of what they thought they needed to do.

“With online pornography numbers reaching epic proportions we felt like it was our duty to do something.” President Jared Smithson said. “These men are looking at images, many of which are not even real, when they are surrounded by actual women. We’re asking our women to do more and get out of their comfort zones. Shorten hemlines, lengthen necklines and look like you have more going on than vacuuming.”

The announcement has created a frenzy in Salt Lake City with retailers running short on what would normally be deemed trashy clothing. Stores that are usually there for tourists, like Victorias Secret, were packed. While a Salt Lake City favorite, Frumpy Housewife, was empty: a stark contrast to regular shopping trends.

“We just want to do what is right and support our church leaders. And if that means slutting-up the place, that is what we’re going to do.”  Said Brailee Swiftson, while shopping, in Downtown Salt Lake City. Usually the admonishment of church leadership has been less popular with the youth, but this time they seem to be more interested in recent instruction.

The Pope weighed in on the issue, briefly, hoping that it would interest more of his clergy in women. “It’s making it really hard to forbid things that our clergy just don’t want! In some ways its like forbidding books to the illiterate. We’re asking our women to really play the game harder so less children and alter boys are at risk.” The pope went on to mention that they were considering canonizing some supermodels to encourage a more permanent cultural shift.