Author: editor

Awards hit all-time high for women’s movement

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We want our awards, and we want them now!

Portland, OR-

The feminist movement is in full swing these days and as a result the sales of pink caps are off the chart. But, so are the number of awards being handed out, to women, by women’s groups. One might think that enough awards were being handed out in a traditional sense, but the modern feminist may disagree. Companies often hand out awards of merit for varying degrees of accomplishments. But “those awards were being given out to men and women”, according to feminists, which means that some of those awards should have been given to women instead. Or at least that is what Maribelle Santiago seems to indicate. She received an award last night at the Females In Information Technology International (FIITI) monthly ceremony, where she gave her remarks to a crowd of women and self described “beta males”.

“Competing with men is a fruitless effort, and that is the old system! When we don’t compete with them everyone can see that we are superior. Men have been running a rigged system where they believe they are entitled to the same opportunities as women, which is just silly. And the feminist movement is our way of ensuring that we get more credit for doing the same things that men have traditionally done while not having to compete with them. If feminists were to hold a race with men. The men would show up and win a lot. But if we simply hold the race, with women only, then we automatically win. That’s how life is. If you chose to not compete you always win!”

FakeAwards, makers of popular trophies, used by many feminist organizations, has been having trouble keeping up with the demand for feminist awards. “The ‘I opened my own door’ award has become quite popular as well as the ‘superb attention to a menial task’ award.” Said founder Rawley Merkeller. “We are working on some new ones too, as the demand keeps coming. We’re expecting the popularity to grow on some of our other awards like the ‘I’m qualified because I have a vagina’ award as well”. 

Patricia Payor, the CEO of Los Angeles based rights organization, Equality for Women Only (EfWO) was in attendance to the event and solidified the position saying. “The awards are very important to the feminist movement in general, because equality is really about achieving more than just being equal. It’s about doing the same things but getting a lot more recognition for doing them. Men have been the curators of equality for far too long. We need more recognition for our equality.” When asked about the possibility of bias and group-think among women’s groups, Payor said that they had discussed it as a group and that they believe that bias isn’t true bias, if it favors women. 

If you would like to find information on joining these organizations, membership information can be found at any of their award ceremonies. Which are taking place weekly, monthly, quarterly and annually. 

 

Merriem-Webstor adds a mirror to its definition of the word “hypocrite”

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“See for yourself, hypocrite!”, says Merriem-Webstor

Springfield Massachusetts

Iconic word authoritarians, Merriem-Webstor, caused quite a stir, recently, in its latest release of its flagship dictionary product. Including a full page mirror with the definition of the word “hypocrite” etched upon it,  for its readers to consider when looking up the word.   

Photo by: Tasha Kamrowski

“We found that Liberals and Conservatives were obsessed with calling each other hypocrites even though they were often looking the word up to see what it meant. So, we thought this might help them understand that their use of this word should include themselves, or remind them to consider the possibility that they could actually be hypocrites. We felt this is a good thing for them to have that as a reminder.” Said Jillian Slivantensen, in a brief phone interview.

Readers of the often referenced dictionary had varying opinions on the matter. Conservative columnist, rev. Johnson Petersen, said – “Jesus did call a lot of people hypocrites, so I think it’s helpful to see myself and pretend that I’m Jesus, calling myself a hypocrite, while looking at myself, pretending to be Jesus, but in my corporeal state.” We think this was him agreeing with the need for the definition, but we aren’t quite sure. He went on a bit longer, in circles, about states and pretending. 

UC Davis Feminine studies professor, Pat Patterpat, said “It’s a gross and egregious insult to have to look at myself while reading this definition. I know what a hypocrite is and even if I was one; I don’t need to be reminded and be forced to look at myself while I snort cocaine off of my own likeness. I burnt the whole book last week in our weekly book burning party. Now, only this etched mirror remains. And every time I do cocaine I’m forced to read the definition of the word hypocrite. I’m pretty sure that is racist.”

More to come on this developing story.

Catholics and Mormons Team up on Pornography Epidemic

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Church leaders urge women to dress more provocatively

Salt Lake City, Vatican City

Mega church leaders of the two oft opposing religions issues a joint statement today, imploring its collective female followers to dress more provocatively. The organizations are often known for their unattractive, frumpy clothing and societal constraints that would require modest dress. However, new strategies have arisen to combat the overwhelming number of men who have turned to pornography in their everyday lives.

Photo by Rafaella Mendes

After serious analysis the two mega churches knew something was amiss. They created a task force and analyzed what they had been doing. And It didn’t take long for them to discover that they were doing exactly the opposite of what they thought they needed to do.

“With online pornography numbers reaching epic proportions we felt like it was our duty to do something.” President Jared Smithson said. “These men are looking at images, many of which are not even real, when they are surrounded by actual women. We’re asking our women to do more and get out of their comfort zones. Shorten hemlines, lengthen necklines and look like you have more going on than vacuuming.”

The announcement has created a frenzy in Salt Lake City with retailers running short on what would normally be deemed trashy clothing. Stores that are usually there for tourists, like Victorias Secret, were packed. While a Salt Lake City favorite, Frumpy Housewife, was empty: a stark contrast to regular shopping trends.

“We just want to do what is right and support our church leaders. And if that means slutting-up the place, that is what we’re going to do.”  Said Brailee Swiftson, while shopping, in Downtown Salt Lake City. Usually the admonishment of church leadership has been less popular with the youth, but this time they seem to be more interested in recent instruction.

The Pope weighed in on the issue, briefly, hoping that it would interest more of his clergy in women. “It’s making it really hard to forbid things that our clergy just don’t want! In some ways its like forbidding books to the illiterate. We’re asking our women to really play the game harder so less children and alter boys are at risk.” The pope went on to mention that they were considering canonizing some supermodels to encourage a more permanent cultural shift.

 

Washington Capitals Implicated in Cheating Scheme

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Commissioner of Hockey now involved

Las Vegas, Nevada-

The Nevada Commissioner of Hockey has launched and investigation into claims that the hockey pucks used by the Washington Capitals were slightly deflated and created an unfair advantage for the Washington Capitals.

The questions were raised after trainers from the Capitals were heard discussing the techniques, they were using to ensure the pucks were slightly under regulation pressure, while at a Las Vegas topless club.

The commissioner revealed in a press conference that the investigation is underway. It was unclear, from the press conference, as to what specific advantage deflated pucks would give the Capitals. When asked that exact question the commissioners response was a little vague.

“I personally believe Las Vegas Americans should have fully inflated pucks because of Canada and The Iraq.” the rest of what he had to say was tough to make out even on our recording.

Our request for an interview was denied. The office of the Commissioner read us a prepared statement when we went to try to obtain more information. “We don’t exactly have a lot of sports around here that feature ice and pucks. So we would be doing everyone a disservice if we didn’t investigate the crap out of this. We are a professional organization and its not like this is our first time doing this. Well it kind of is, but kids have been playing hockey here for years.“

We will continue to follow this story as it picks up speed. If you know anything about this or have details to add: the hotline for the Commissioner of Hockey is open and you can find that information on their website.