Church leaders urge women to dress more provocatively
Salt Lake City, Vatican City
Mega church leaders of the two oft opposing religions issues a joint statement today, imploring its collective female followers to dress more provocatively. The organizations are often known for their unattractive, frumpy clothing and societal constraints that would require modest dress. However, new strategies have arisen to combat the overwhelming number of men who have turned to pornography in their everyday lives.
After serious analysis the two mega churches knew something was amiss. They created a task force and analyzed what they had been doing. And It didn’t take long for them to discover that they were doing exactly the opposite of what they thought they needed to do.
“With online pornography numbers reaching epic proportions we felt like it was our duty to do something.” President Jared Smithson said. “These men are looking at images, many of which are not even real, when they are surrounded by actual women. We’re asking our women to do more and get out of their comfort zones. Shorten hemlines, lengthen necklines and look like you have more going on than vacuuming.”
The announcement has created a frenzy in Salt Lake City with retailers running short on what would normally be deemed trashy clothing. Stores that are usually there for tourists, like Victorias Secret, were packed. While a Salt Lake City favorite, Frumpy Housewife, was empty: a stark contrast to regular shopping trends.
“We just want to do what is right and support our church leaders. And if that means slutting-up the place, that is what we’re going to do.” Said Brailee Swiftson, while shopping, in Downtown Salt Lake City. Usually the admonishment of church leadership has been less popular with the youth, but this time they seem to be more interested in recent instruction.
The Pope weighed in on the issue, briefly, hoping that it would interest more of his clergy in women. “It’s making it really hard to forbid things that our clergy just don’t want! In some ways its like forbidding books to the illiterate. We’re asking our women to really play the game harder so less children and alter boys are at risk.” The pope went on to mention that they were considering canonizing some supermodels to encourage a more permanent cultural shift.